What percentage of secretarial staff in small businesses are men, 3, 4, 5%? I don't know but the percentage must be low, the vast majority are women. You know who you are. You're the one whose services are vital to the survival of the company. You massage the boss's ego, lie for him, cover for him and multiple multitask. You're good. "Too right I am" I hear you all exclaim. Oh, and you make sure he never runs out of anything important, real important, things like gel mouse mats, do or die items such as spray glue or smiley faced magnetic erasers.
My wife has sixty pairs of shoes, no exaggeration, sixty pairs. She never wears them, well no more than two pair. She can't pass a shoe shop, clothes shop, charity shop, or any kind of building, especially if it has a 50% sale, end of season sale, or closing down sale sticker in the window. Anybody got a woman like that? Something has to be brought home, anything, even if it's just a trinket. Useful trinkets like fridge magnets in the shape of a rock or a wad of chewed gum. It's gotten I don't even ask why anymore, it's not worth the hassle, I just have to live with it smiling through gritted teeth. "That's nice" I say, it's all I want to say no fight left.
Are you reading this article and running your own small business? Trying to keep a toe in throughout this economic downturn? Save as much money as possible? You my friend have an enemy within, I've a tip and I don't even want thanks for disclosing it. Don't put a woman in charge of purchasing office supplies, that's all I'm saying. Put a stationery catalogue in a woman's hand and Christmas has come early for her. It's not what you need that counts, it's what she wants you're getting, for let's face it, a lot of office supplies are near useless trinket priced garbage. Low cost items that individually are about the price of a box of matches and she thinks easily absorbed into the day to day operational costs of the business. I'm talking about pen holders, monitor screen shades, keyboard covers, cheap plastic magazine racks, rainbow coloured lever arch files, whatever happened to the good old black file?
Its bright glitzy things that catch a woman's eye, things like, luminous magnetic paper clip holders, vibrant coloured highlighters or multi coloured elastic strapped notepads. Thousands of Post it notes, Post it Notes that track around the office like bunting without string, on office walls, desks, and the floor where they inevitably end up strewn like gigantic pieces of confetti with lost forever reminders scribbled on them. In, get this! Calming pastel shades. The star eye catcher though is that guaranteed till ringer, every woman's knee trembler, the free cuddly toy. Now who do you think the marketing companies are targeting there?
What office needs so much crap for god's sake? Don't believe me? Go to your stationery cupboard, NOW! don't read another word of this article, come back in three days and finish reading it, for that's how long it's going to take you to clean up the avalanche of office supplies s**t that's going to bury you were you stand.
I went to the stationery cupboard the other day to look for an envelope, an innocuous act you would think, definitely an ill conceived one on my part, for it led me to write this article howling in pain and temper with the one good eye I've got left. Stationery cupboards should be renamed something like, let's see...unexploded bomb cupboard, terrorist cupboard, ambush cupboard, open me at your peril cupboard or I'm the Niagara Falls of crap cupboard. Just to warn you of an impending visit to the doctor.
I didn't know what was in my stationery cupboard, how could I? I never buy office supplies. I just use the stuff and not much of it, a few pens maybe. I needed an envelope this particular day and instead of delegating responsibility for such a dangerous task in hand and letting someone bring it to me who knew what they were doing, I decided foolishly to fetch the one envelope myself. I was informed that I could have the peel & seal window or windowless envelope in brown or white, environmental or non environmental, 100gm, 200gms or a kilo box. Ever been hit on the head with a kilo box of envelopes? Another thing, nobody wants to lick an envelope anymore, it's against health and safety rules, huh, self seal envelopes we're told are better.
I flung open the stationery cupboard doors being in a hurry to catch the last post, a near deadly mistake. It's a big stationery cupboard, taller than me, has six shelves and is the width of a big man with arms outstretched. Even that wasn't room enough, for there was an Everest of stuff balanced precariously on top, heavy stuff like a broken fax machine and a page binder. That's another thing about stationery cupboards they should be bolted to a wall. They always seem to rock violently when opened. Akin to a sail ship buffeted like a cork in a force 10 hurricane.
Now where's that envelope? I was innocently thinking "What the hell" I screamed. Instinct kicks in doesn't it and I initially tried to save what tumbled out but it was useless, like trying to grip straw in the wind. I vainly ducked with reaction times that seemed lightening fast but were far too slow. It's always the sharp corner of an object that hits you in the eye. It could have been worse though, the scissors might not have been packaged. Ten packets of scissors, all shapes and sizes, from doll size scissors where you couldn't get your finger through the holes, to scissors you couldn't lift on your own. Four thoughts raced through my mind rolled up foetal position on the floor. Thank god the fax machine missed me, Where did all this office supplies s**t come from? Where did the money come from to buy them? And who the hell bought them?
On investigation it was a lot of money, no joking, thousands of pounds, my money, money needed to keep us afloat, that could have paid one employees wages for two months including tax and national insurance. So all you fledging entrepreneurs drowning in debt, you've been warned.
1. Check your Aladdin's cave of office supplies. I guarantee you, you'll be unpleasantly surprised.
2. Don't let a woman loose with an office stationery catalogue it's a high Street of pain.
Better still, you take on the responsibility yourself. For what would have taken her four hours of your paying time to decide on, you could quite comfortably accomplish in three minutes and 29 seconds. I know I timed myself. Purchase number qlc55943. One box of pens, enough for at least a year I think. My mother now an aging pensioner has a biro pen that still writes that she won as a child for the three legged race in a sports day competition at school. Big bonus here I got the free cuddly toy, quite chuffed. One box of paper, let's face it everything's electronic these days and a padlock for the stationery cupboard a bit expensive at £2.95 but I thought the expense worth it. I bought all for £16.50. Savings of £365.00 compared to my last unregulated order.
I'm happy in the fact that I've saved money, that the next time I visit the dreaded stationery cupboard I'll be hit with something sensible or with a bit of luck the cuddly toy and last but not least, if you're a lady entrepreneur, you've got troubles.
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